My story
Yes, this is my story and it's probably going to be very long, so bear with me...
I've never actually been "fat". I was a pretty normal-sized kid, even on the skinny side. But I always envied small girls, because I've never been "small" in terms of height (but still, average). I ate decently, except I loved sweets. I'd always sneak some cookies when my mother wasn't looking, or buy candy after school. I went through A LOT of candy. But apart from that, I was actually a picky eater and didn't have a large appetite.
In 7th grade, I decided I needed to diet. I weighed somewhere between 95-100lbs, I don't know how tall I was, maybe around 5'. Of course, I knew nothing about dieting- this was basically a starvation diet, but living at home and such made it highly impractical and I abandoned it after a week. In any case, it was the first time I consciously decided that I wanted to do something about my weight.
Eventually, my thoughts went away and I went through high school, eating normally. Sometimes I'd have short episodes where I really wanted to lose weight and I tried, but would give up, thinking- I'm not fat, why should I deprive myself, I'm fine. I was pretty slim in reality and I recognized that. I still had some awkward eating habits- I hated eating in front of people. As a consequence, my friends thought I just didn't eat a lot. In 11th grade I didn't have a lunch period, and eventually I stopped bringing a lunch to eat during class (out of the embarrassment of eating in front of others). That year I dropped 2 lbs, going from 114 to 112 at about 5'4"/5'5". Senior year of high school, I decided to forget about my weird eating habits. I would eat when I wanted to, whatever I wanted to. No more "dieting". That year I gained 7 lbs. Going into college I was 5'5", 119 lbs.
The weight gain slowly started to creep up on me. I had always been thin. Suddenly I noticed pudge around my stomach, fat thighs, fat arms, etc. I had always vowed that I would never let myself get fat. My first semester at college was fine, though. I ate normally, had a good time. But when I came home for winter break, I ate a ton. I would make cookies and other baked goods and eat a lot of junk. I don't know if I gained weight, but it's likely that I did, putting me somewhere between 120-125 when I returned to school in January.
How did my eating disorder start? Very innocently. The first weekend back there was a huge snowstorm, and I didn't leave my building the whole day. Skipping a meal and feeling that hunger sparked my memory. But this time, my parents weren't around to make sure I was eating. I was invigorated by this and I realized that I could lose the weight I had gained. I started slowly, cutting out snacks and eating less at meals.
I began to lose a little weight, which really excited me. I had never really been able to before. However, it only made me more obsessed with losing more weight. I started going to the gym, eating even less. Around this time, I read an article in the newspaper about the pro-anorexia movement and it intrigued me. I found such websites, which really fueled my disorder. I cut calories even more, to less than 1000 per day. My workouts went longer and longer, until I was on the elliptical for 90 minutes 4 days a week.
However, I started to crave the foods I was now denying myself. My link, from freshmen orientation, sent all the members of our link group baked treats for Valentine's Day. I desperately wanted to eat them, but I couldn't allow myself the extra calories. That's when I first decided to purge. After learning some tips online, I ate the sweets, went into the shower and threw up. It disgusted me and I vowed I would never make myself throw up again. The websites I went to all warned not to start purging, because once you start, you won't be able to stop. I thought I'd be fine, that I wouldn't turn into a bulimic. But after a week or two, I wanted to purge again.
It started with purging on weekends, usually candy bars from the vending machine (I was still too scared to really binge). But soon enough, I was purging everyday. And I was still restricting outside of the purges and exercising. I was scared about the bulimia, but I couldn't stop myself. Although I had some particularly frustrating sessions, I of course enjoyed that I could eat this food and not gain any weight from it.
My restricting habits finally caught the attention of my roommate, who tried to force me to get help. At that point, I probably weighed around 110 lbs. I was excited by my weight loss and I wanted to keep losing more. I said I would get help, to prevent her from calling my parents. Spring break came around and I went home, continued my habits. When I got back to school, my roommate never bugged me about getting help again. So I kept restricting, purging, and exercising.
The second week of April I suddenly got sick. At the beginning of the week I weighed about 109 lbs. My throat killed me, so I couldn't purge. I was constantly tired and even slept through a class. I lost my voice. I hardly ate anything as well. According to my boyfriend, my weight loss became particularly noticeable at this time. On Thursday morning of that week, I passed out in the bathroom and went to the emergency room. I had eaten about 400 calories the day before. On Saturday, I went to a follow up at the doctors' and was weighed. 104. The nurse questioned me about my eating habits- how had I lost 15 lbs since coming to college? I denied everything and lied.
I had to tell my parents that I'd gone to the hospital. I said I had lost 10 lbs. In reality, I was scared myself. I tried to recover. But unfortunately, I couldn't. I was afraid that all my hard work would be for nothing and I'd gain everything back. I was desperate to maintain my weight.
I started eating more, but I also resumed purging with more frequency. Thus, my weight bumped up initially, but was then generally maintained. I returned home for the summer, still purging almost everyday, whenever I got the chance. I weighed about 110 lbs, but I was disgusted. I wanted to return to my old, skinnier self. I wanted to restrict again (it was very hard to do so while at home because I was expected to eat meals with my family, which was why I resorted to bulimia). However, because I was essentially eating normal meals, I was also closer to recovery.
I returned to school in August, eating somewhat normally. I still purged, but less often. Things seemed better. Until one night while drunk, I confessed to my boyfriend about my eating disorder. He'd essentially already known and we spent the night talking about it. Rehashing the memories of last semester rewoke in me the desire to lose weight. I returned to my old habits.
I began restricting, 500-800 calories a day. I still purged a lot too. But I started to lose weight again, which really excited me. After a bad purging experience, I went for a whole week without purging, losing weight. I picked it up again, though. After Thanksgiving, I basically just binged and purged twice a day and that was all. I dropped to my lowest- 101.5.
Right now I am home for winter break. I weigh about 104 (although I don't have an accurate scale). I binge/purge almost everyday and consume little outside of that. I am thinking about getting help when I go back to school. I know I won't stop immediately, but I can get counseling and maybe that will help me. I can get so frustrated some days, while I others I revel in my ability to maintain a low weight. I still want to lose weight. My goal is 98 lbs, for now. If nothing else, I just want to prove that I can do it.
Anyway, that is my story. I have had my eating disorder (bulimia) for almost a year, which is a relatively short amount of time. Mentally though, I am not ready to recover and I know I need to work out issues. When I step back and look at myself, I can hardly believe what I am doing to myself. I am a smart girl, a pre-med student, but I just want to be thin.
Thanks for listening ; ) Comment if you wish...
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